It's been awhile since I've blogged, but since I'm cramming myself studying for an open notes, open book, PARTNER, mid-term I've decided to take a break and blog about my life.
Growing up I was never blessed with wealthy parent's though I was surrounded by a wealthy family. Compared to my parent's brothers and sisters they didn't have a college education, or even graduate high school. To the naked eye I may have seem like a wealthy kid, because I always got what I wanted. Guess what? My parent's really had nothing and when they did have something they would spend it all on me. A lot of people throughout high school, thought I was rich, but what they didn't know was while attending high school my mom and I rented a room in someone else's house. Cause she couldn't afford anything else. I was ashamed, but she still tried to give me the best she could and while she was trying to give me everything she could, I gave her a hard time. When I was younger I didn't see how hard my mom was trying to survive for me, I stressed her out to a point where she had to take anti-depression pill. I wasn't ashamed back then, but now I am.
I never really asked for anything, but got everything in return why? Cause since I was the only child even if my parent's only had $200 left in their bank account they would still try their best to give me what I wanted. If they had to borrow money or work more they would do exactly that. As long as I was happy and seem like I had it all, it was okay. I am still ashamed. My parent's are poor, but they tried to give me the best. Ever since they broke up, both of their financial matters have not been in order. My dad and mom both rent rooms inside someone else's house, but they still try to give me the best they can. My life is more complicated, but I try to stay positive and "act" like I have everything and that everything is okay.
Going back to having un-wealthy parent's, but a wealthy family. My parent's couldn't afford to give me a car after I got my license. So my cousin gave me her car. I had a car, while my parents couldn't give me anything my family helped me. My aunt and uncle wanted me to have a college experience even though I staid in San Jose, so they provided me money so I could dorm at SJSU for two semesters. My incentive was if I got a 3.0GPA I wouldn't have to pay them back anything. I stuck to that incentive and got a higher GPA then a 3.0. I am blessed with un-wealthy parent's, but a wealthy family. I may have got everything handed to me, but I got myself to where I am now. My parent's split up, I went on a drug phase, I got out of it. I went on a drinking phase, I got out of that. I fucked up my life a lot, but no one knows because while I fucked up my own life I somehow made it through high school and got into college. It's amazing how I fucked up my life, but I am still here now.
Most people don't know my life, because what I went through is only half of what I actually tell people. While I may always seem happy or annoyed, I'm still ashamed. And while I sometimes can write my emotions out, I don't fill in the blanks. My thoughts aren't fully thought out. My life is a rollercoaster, but at the same time I managed to ride it out somehow.
Why am I so in love with this guy? Why did I put up with some much when he can just get up and leave when times get rough. Why? I'm asking myself why? First, I'm sad then I'm in a state of delusion and now i'm just confuse. I'm just questioning why? Why did things have to happen like this, why is it always over something little that makes us break up. I'm so confuse right now.. This is like the only part of my life that's going wrong. I'm doing pretty okay in school, I just got a job, I'm doing okay, but of course everything can't be perfect.
I just wish things went back to the way they were a week or two ago. Baby,I tried to make us work. I did try, I have tried I've always tried throughout these past 3 years. I tried my best, but I guess when things get rough you can't expect someone else to stay and try and give what you want to give.
I'm going to give him all his stuff back next week and everything he ever bought me.. I think that's the first step.. I don't know what else to do I'm so confuse. I hate break ups.. I hate relationships, I didn't come looking for you when you found me 3 years ago. I wasn't looking for anything. I didn't want to be in this position again, but here I am.
At this point I really don't know what to do. I can pretend to be happy and truly make myself believe it, but at the beginning of the day and at the end of the day I just feel broken. I'm broken, I'm shattered, I'm confuse that's how I feel. We fought so much throughout our whole relationship, and it ended with a minor fight. We forgave each other for everything else, and we can't forgive each other for this. I miss him, I messaged him a few days ago, but no reply. I only messaged him because I know he reads his email, but he doesn't reply. I'm to scared to text him, because if he doesn't reply i'll just feel worse. I'm in tears right now, I didn't know I still had it in me to cry. I went 2 days without crying, but I guess it's because I didn't talk about.. I hope he misses me too. I gave my heart and soul to this relationship, and now it's all gone..
Why did things have to happen like this? Why did it have to escalate to this level, I'm so confuse I don't even know what I feel anymore.. I don't know what to do. What's my next step.
I miss the guy I use to wake up for at 4 in the morning , go over to his house cuddle with him for an hour, then take him to work. Go to school see him after work, and spend time with him. I don't know what happened..I don't know what he feels I'm confuse..
Those are the words I have tattooed on my back. Not willing to surrender my heart,so why do I fail to do just that..
This relationship has been going on since Junior year in high school. I am now a Sophomore in college. It's been almost three years. Every time we break up i'm in the same spot. I cry i'm depress, I don't want to eat anything, I lean on my friends. Then we make up. I miss him so much. Even though it's only been 3 days, I miss him. He's done some fucked up ass shit to me, but I managed to pick myself up and accept everything he's done. Why is it that when I get mad, we have to break up? What he can't take my shit? "I'm tired of this,we're done." Yeah, and I'm tired too, but you don't see me leaving. And every time that I did TRY to leave,you said no and told me to stay. So why is it that when you want to leave, and I tell you to stay. You just go away. I'm a fool. The last text I got from you was "wat dew you want." I told you what I wanted and you never texted back,what is that suppose to mean? I spill my heart out to you, and you never texted back. I'm in pieces once again, the same place I was a few months ago. The same fucking place, the same fucking situation.
Why can't you just realize you have a good girl in your life,and she's done so much shit for you. I wake up at 4am everyday to go to your house in the morning sleep with you for a little, then take you to work at 6. Then I go to school and then pick you up. Who does that for their boyfriend? I do so much more shit for you, and what you do this to me. I might be a bitch and I might be mean, but you're never going to find a girl who scrafice so much for you. And it gets me mad, because you will never realize this. I don't think you will realize how much of a good girlfriend I was, even though I was mean. And you're the same way, you're mean too.
I don't know what to do... Hope that he comes back or just sit here and moop. I don't know what to do. :( Someone tell me what I should do. I love him so much, and I have to get over this...
" Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled… old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget."